Wednesday, May 20, 2015

So the past few weeks I've been working on getting back on track. It's been a struggle and my success has fluctuated. It seemed like each time I wanted to write about my successes, something would happen and I'd be back at square one. So today I want to talk about something I haven't yet gone in depth about. It is the main reason why I struggle with day to day life and the thing that holds me back from what I truly want. I am talking about my social anxiety.

I have particularly severe social anxiety. Something as simple as making a phone call can put me in agony. Sometimes I will put off making an important phone call for weeks or even months because I'm afraid I will say something wrong or sound awkward. Then because I am putting off the phone call I will cause myself even more anxiety because I know I'm procrastinating. I know it sounds silly and most people would just get it done and over with, but it isn't that easy for me.

One example is my Youtube channel. Although I want to make videos more often, the thought terrifies me. I see a lot of other Youtubers with social anxiety and they don't seem to have a problem. It makes me feel even worse about myself and that I must be really weird not to be able to just speak in front of a camera like everyone else. At least that's how I see it. Then again maybe my social anxiety is making that up for me too. At least I have this blog and I know I can always come here to say stuff without having to speak in public.

Anyways, enough of my rambling. I did something pretty exciting yesterday. I've been planning for the past couple months to have a vegetable garden. I made some special raised beds out of untreated cedar (2 out of 3 done) and planted my first seeds! I still have more to plant but I'm still working with people to get the rest set up. I really think gardening can be very therapeutic and since I plan on growing a lot of my own food in the future, I'm also learning skills to reach my goals!

Tomorrow my boyfriend is coming over and we're going to work on the third bed. It's a great way to get stuff done while still hanging out with him. He likes the challenge too! He loves building all sorts of things and is even studying to become a mechanical engineer.

Oh! One more thing that I'm looking forward to is my new iPhone! I might be getting one later this week! May not sound like the biggest news but I've had the same phone since I was 14, so it's a pretty big deal. I just couldn't afford anything else until recently. My parents aren't the type of people to give me all the latest gadgets. I have to work for them. When I got an iPod when I was 15, I had to work several months to afford it. I then took meticulously good care of it until it mysteriously stopped working a few months ago. Needless to say I was pretty upset. Thankfully now that my income has stabilized a bit, I can afford to treat myself (and I think I deserve it!) It's so easy to take a picture with an iPhone too so I plan to put lots of pictures on my blog in the near future too.

The best is yet to come!

Until next time... Painted Lady <3

Back On Track

Hello everyone. So much has been happening the past few weeks I can barely keep up with it all. I started a psychology class at the beginning of February and although the subject fascinates me, I've been finding some of the material discussed lately extremely stressful. Last week in particular was especially bad. Somehow discussing mental illness and "normal vs abnormal behavior" triggers my PTSD to the point where I have a complete breakdown. I took Thursday and Friday off to recover but I can't keep avoiding school. I also need to make a decision as to whether I can continue the course or not. The work is easy but I might need to drop the course for the sake of my own mental health. I haven't made a final decision yet but I'll be discussing that with the resource teacher on Monday. I feel horrible about the whole thing but I really don't know what to do.

On top of that I somehow feel like I'm to blame for other people's problems whether it be a breakup, a near death, or a fight between friends. I've been finding my thoughts are oddly powerful and although my intentions are good, it only takes one negative thought for me to cause someone's life spiraling out of control. I know I'm getting paranoid and these things have nothing to do with me, but sometimes I feel like I'm a magnet of misfortune to whoever I come in contact with. Maybe it's the psychology class that's messing me up lol. However I know the more I have these thoughts of attracting misfortune the more it will come about. I've been having such a good year so far I don't want to let my mind trick me into this bad cycle. So let me tell you some good news!

January was an amazing month for me. I really made a lot of headway at achieving my goals and I actually felt genuinely happy! Although February wasn't as great, I had an amazing Valentine's Day weekend with my boyfriend. I joined him and his mom for the weekend in Pinawa and I went with him on beautiful nature walks by the river. There's nothing I love more than being in nature just the two of us hand in hand. I wish those times could last forever... Sometimes I wonder if he realizes how much those little things mean to me.

Anyways before this gets too long I'm going to share my goal for this month, I had such a good January that my goal is basically to get back where I was there and build on it. Here is a list of things I did in January:

• I drank lot's of water
• I took iron, B12 and D3 supplements regularly 
• I took plenty of L Theanine 
• I practiced gratitude 
• I kept my daily planner updated
• I read my favorite magazines before bed
• I made a vision board
• I limited my gluten and sugar intake 
• I meditated more often
• I did more housework and kept my room clean

I think that's a pretty good list of things. It certainly made a difference, and it will again this month. As I get back into a better routine I can continue to make more goals for myself and reach my full potential, whatever that is! I'm ready to get back on track! ;)

Painted Lady <3

My New Year's Resolution

So for the past few days I've been struggling trying to come up with what my second blog post would be about. Should it be about Jehovah's Witnesses? My unusual Christmas? Venting about the challenges of Boxing Day shopping? No matter how hard I tried I couldn't seem to write anything satisfying. Then the other night I came up with an amazing idea. 2015 is just around the corner and I still haven't thought out a New Year's resolution! But what would my New Year's resolution be?

There is so much I would like to accomplish in my life so it was hard to pinpoint only one thing to work on this year. However, it soon became clear what my resolution should be. For quite some time now I have been having difficulties with my health and well being. This upcoming year I have decided to focus on those things. If I want my dreams to come true, then I must start with the basics.

Improving well being can include many things so I can try focusing on a different aspect every month. Who knows how things will be at the end of 2015! One thing I do know however is I have a lot to look forward to!

This year, I will become healthier and happier through the power of love and gratitude. This year I will find myself...

Welcome To My Blog!

Hello everyone! I'm Vanessa (aka Painted Lady, Painted Lady The Apostate or The Amber Butterfly) I'm making this blog to share multiple aspects of my life. Anything from everyday events, my inner thoughts, or my experiences of the Jehovah's Witness will be discussed. I'll pretty much talk about anything here so be ready for a mixed bag!

So to start off, I'm going to tell you a bit about myself. I am currently 18 years old and live in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. I grew up in a Jehovah's Witness family and would have been a fourth generation JW if I had been baptized. I began looking into the history of the Watchtower Society when I was 15 and officially stopped going to meetings in April after slowly tying to fade.

I've tried doing this on Youtube, but lets just say I get a bit camera shy... lol. I do have a channel though and made my debut in September after shaving my head! You can find a link to my channel at the end of this post.

 I haven't made a video in quite some time however. Things have been really stressful for me lately. First off my health hasn't been good. I'll talk about that more in the future. My grandma has also been in the hospital and I am in the process of helping her move to a nursing home. It's especially hard because she has dementia. It's heartbreaking to see her so confused... On top of that I have multiple other stresses such as my guinea pig's upcoming surgery and my dog's behavioral issues. It all adds up and it's gotten to the point where I can barely function these days.

My hope is that a blog will be easier for me to keep up than a Youtube channel. I'm not saying I wont make more videos but for now this is a lot less stressful for me.

Here is the link to my Youtube channel

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtqJ_G3DbwHGHUTe468nvuA