Summertime Sadness

Okay... I don't know what to say other than I really messed up this summer... It seems like everything that could possibly go wrong, has gone wrong in the past couple months. It seems as though I barely figure out how to deal with one problem and the next one is staring me in the face. Take my vegetable garden for example. First I had leaf miners on my chard and beet tops, then I had leaf spot on my tomatoes. Then I noticed what looked like verticillium wilt and blight on my potatoes. I had to pull up a couple of plants because of it too. Then just when my tomato plants began setting fruit, the stem split right down the center! How the heck does that happen?

 To be honest, I feel like a pretty big failure at this point. On top of all that, I've been spending most of my time in bed wasting the days away moping. My life is pretty good so I know it must be my depression really taking hold right now. I get so angry at myself at times like this. I should be doing so much more but I just cant seem to snap out of it. It's not as easy as that. I feel like there is a physical barrier between me and what I want to accomplish. Anyone with depression or chronic fatigue probably knows what I'm talking about. What makes things even worse is when people accuse me of being lazy. I am NOT lazy! If I were lazy I wouldn't be so damn distraught over not being able to do more right now! Excuse me for being so blunt but this is a very real thing and I don't think most people understand.

Every bone in my body is telling me I need to write something positive now, so I will try my best...

I've been going on how much of a failure my garden is, when really, it should be considered a success. I discovered a way to control the leaf miners on my greens and therefore have had a bountiful harvest! I also cured the leaf spot from my tomatoes which from what I hear isn't easy. I need to celebrate those two victories and realize I am still in the learning process. Things are bound to go wrong but those will be my learning experiences. I might even post how I organically dealt with the leaf miners because I think there needs to be more information on the subject. Maybe I'll find an even better way to deal with them in the future, but by getting proactive, I was able to minimize the damage.

Anyways, I think I might need another nap... Hopefully I'll be doing better next time I write

Until next time... Painted Lady

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

So the past few weeks I've been working on getting back on track. It's been a struggle and my success has fluctuated. It seemed like each time I wanted to write about my successes, something would happen and I'd be back at square one. So today I want to talk about something I haven't yet gone in depth about. It is the main reason why I struggle with day to day life and the thing that holds me back from what I truly want. I am talking about my social anxiety.

I have particularly severe social anxiety. Something as simple as making a phone call can put me in agony. Sometimes I will put off making an important phone call for weeks or even months because I'm afraid I will say something wrong or sound awkward. Then because I am putting off the phone call I will cause myself even more anxiety because I know I'm procrastinating. I know it sounds silly and most people would just get it done and over with, but it isn't that easy for me.

One example is my Youtube channel. Although I want to make videos more often, the thought terrifies me. I see a lot of other Youtubers with social anxiety and they don't seem to have a problem. It makes me feel even worse about myself and that I must be really weird not to be able to just speak in front of a camera like everyone else. At least that's how I see it. Then again maybe my social anxiety is making that up for me too. At least I have this blog and I know I can always come here to say stuff without having to speak in public.

Anyways, enough of my rambling. I did something pretty exciting yesterday. I've been planning for the past couple months to have a vegetable garden. I made some special raised beds out of untreated cedar (2 out of 3 done) and planted my first seeds! I still have more to plant but I'm still working with people to get the rest set up. I really think gardening can be very therapeutic and since I plan on growing a lot of my own food in the future, I'm also learning skills to reach my goals!

Tomorrow my boyfriend is coming over and we're going to work on the third bed. It's a great way to get stuff done while still hanging out with him. He likes the challenge too! He loves building all sorts of things and is even studying to become a mechanical engineer.

Oh! One more thing that I'm looking forward to is my new iPhone! I might be getting one later this week! May not sound like the biggest news but I've had the same phone since I was 14, so it's a pretty big deal. I just couldn't afford anything else until recently. My parents aren't the type of people to give me all the latest gadgets. I have to work for them. When I got an iPod when I was 15, I had to work several months to afford it. I then took meticulously good care of it until it mysteriously stopped working a few months ago. Needless to say I was pretty upset. Thankfully now that my income has stabilized a bit, I can afford to treat myself (and I think I deserve it!) It's so easy to take a picture with an iPhone too so I plan to put lots of pictures on my blog in the near future too.

The best is yet to come!

Until next time... Painted Lady <3

Back On Track

Hello everyone. So much has been happening the past few weeks I can barely keep up with it all. I started a psychology class at the beginning of February and although the subject fascinates me, I've been finding some of the material discussed lately extremely stressful. Last week in particular was especially bad. Somehow discussing mental illness and "normal vs abnormal behavior" triggers my PTSD to the point where I have a complete breakdown. I took Thursday and Friday off to recover but I can't keep avoiding school. I also need to make a decision as to whether I can continue the course or not. The work is easy but I might need to drop the course for the sake of my own mental health. I haven't made a final decision yet but I'll be discussing that with the resource teacher on Monday. I feel horrible about the whole thing but I really don't know what to do.

On top of that I somehow feel like I'm to blame for other people's problems whether it be a breakup, a near death, or a fight between friends. I've been finding my thoughts are oddly powerful and although my intentions are good, it only takes one negative thought for me to cause someone's life spiraling out of control. I know I'm getting paranoid and these things have nothing to do with me, but sometimes I feel like I'm a magnet of misfortune to whoever I come in contact with. Maybe it's the psychology class that's messing me up lol. However I know the more I have these thoughts of attracting misfortune the more it will come about. I've been having such a good year so far I don't want to let my mind trick me into this bad cycle. So let me tell you some good news!

January was an amazing month for me. I really made a lot of headway at achieving my goals and I actually felt genuinely happy! Although February wasn't as great, I had an amazing Valentine's Day weekend with my boyfriend. I joined him and his mom for the weekend in Pinawa and I went with him on beautiful nature walks by the river. There's nothing I love more than being in nature just the two of us hand in hand. I wish those times could last forever... Sometimes I wonder if he realizes how much those little things mean to me.

Anyways before this gets too long I'm going to share my goal for this month, I had such a good January that my goal is basically to get back where I was there and build on it. Here is a list of things I did in January:

• I drank lot's of water
• I took iron, B12 and D3 supplements regularly 
• I took plenty of L Theanine 
• I practiced gratitude 
• I kept my daily planner updated
• I read my favorite magazines before bed
• I made a vision board
• I limited my gluten and sugar intake 
• I meditated more often
• I did more housework and kept my room clean

I think that's a pretty good list of things. It certainly made a difference, and it will again this month. As I get back into a better routine I can continue to make more goals for myself and reach my full potential, whatever that is! I'm ready to get back on track! ;)

Painted Lady <3

What Makes A Good Guinea Pig Owner (What Popcorn Taught Me)

The other day, my guinea pig Popcorn passed away after a few months of illness. She never seemed to really suffer and was still perky and eager for food right until the end. Although I was deeply saddened by her passing, I had much less feelings of guilt compared to my two previous guinea pigs. This is the reason why...

 I remember when my first guinea pig Squeaky died, I was inconsolable. Squeaky had been ill for quite some time before her death, and although I loved her dearly, I took her for granted and didn't know how to deal with her imminent death. Her skin and fur began falling out, and she became abnormally skinny. In retrospect I probably should have had her put down as it seemed she did suffer a bit near the end, but I was young and in denial of the situation. I coped by spending less time with her and relying on my parents to take care of her more. When she died I felt such overwhelming guilt that I swore I would never abandon another guinea pig like I did her.

Unexpectedly, I ended up with two new guinea pigs a few days later. I named them Peanut and Popcorn. I had them for many years and tried my best to ensure they were happy, even getting a larger cage for them.

 When Popcorn's sister Peanut died unexpectedly last June, I was plagued with guilt. Thoughts like "I wish I would have spent more time with her." "Did I do something wrong?" or "Maybe if I had done stuff differently she would still be alive!". I knew I didn't abandon her, but I still felt like I didn't do enough and that I still failed her at times. I felt bad for the times I forgot to feed her before school. I felt bad for the times I let her cage get a bit messier than what it should have been. I felt bad for not holding her and allowing her enough exercise time as I probably should have. I felt like I had failed my promise to Squeaky. But did I? It took Popcorn's illness for me to understand how good of an owner I really was.

Shortly after Peanut died, I noticed a bulge on Popcorn's lower abdomen. I was very concerned and planned on taking her to the vet. Before I could however, it ruptured into a giant cyst. I remember not knowing what to do. Should I clean it or would that make it bleed more? I got her to the vet the next chance I got and when he pressed on the cyst it exploded with blood and she was rushed to the back to stop the bleeding. I remember seeing the trail of blood and crying, praying she would be ok. After nervously waiting several minutes, the vet brought her back and told me she also had a tumor growing in the cyst. He said it could be surgically removed but it would cost at least $200 and there was no guarantee she would make it though. I was immediately willing to put out the money but wasn't sure if it would be the best decision for her so I said I would keep it in consideration. The vet then  prescribed an oral antibiotic which I would give to her twice a day. We bought the antibiotics and I followed the advice and made time to give her the medicine. Even when I was in the hospital I insisted my dad give it to her until I got out.

She seemed to get a bit better after that, but it wasn't long before I started noticing a strange smell. I didn't think much of it at first but one day when I went to pick Popcorn up, I noticed her tumor had grown drastically and was now poking outside of her cyst and looked infected again. I took her back to the vet and he proscribed more antibiotics and a special salve to help heal the tissue around the tumor. The vet's assistant then suggested to put fleece over top of her usual bedding to help keep her cyst clean and make it more comfortable for her. She gave me the fleece and suggested I change it once a day. I will admit I didn't clean it as often as she suggested, but between all the things I had to do it was hard to keep up with everything perfectly. I also didn't want to hold or move her as much because I was afraid I might hurt her or cause her to start bleeding. On top of that she smelled so bad at that point I was the only person brave enough to take care of her. We kept her in a corner of an isolated room as my mom insisted she made her sick. I normally have a very touchy stomach but somehow I was able to apply the salve to her cyst and tumor no matter how putrid smelling she was. After her medicine ran out, I felt like there was not much else to do but keep her comfortable. I was still tempted to pay for the surgery but due to her age (being almost 6) I felt it may be too much for her.

The last couple months she remained fairly active, and with a healthy appetite. Due to the horrendous smell, my parents often urged me to take her to the vet and either get her put down or just leave her there. But I couldn't do that. I wasn't going to abandon her just because she was old and sick. As long as she seemed happy I wasn't going to stop taking care of her just because it was inconvenient. I didn't hold her much due to reasons I explained earlier, but I always made sure she had plenty of hay and water and gave her fresh food daily (usually while talking and petting her).

When Popcorn finally died, although I was sad, I realized something. I stuck with her right until the end. I went over and above what a lot of owners would have done. Then my thoughts went to her sister Peanut. I had my faults and I didn't always do things perfectly, but I always tried to give Peanut and Popcorn the best life possible. I never mistreated them and they had everything they needed. Not all guinea pigs are as lucky to have such a loving home. Taking care of Popcorn made me realize that. I loyally took care of Popcorn no matter what and I know I would have done the same for Peanut if she had shown signs of illness.

So instead of the usual unbearable grief I normally feel when a pet dies, I felt a sense of relief. Tears filled my eyes and I stroked Popcorn's fur and talked to her softly as though she could hear me. I told her how much I loved her and expressed how happy I was to have had her. I imagined her joining Peanut and Squeaky and I felt a weight lift off my shoulders, as though Squeaky were smiling down on me with approval. It wasn't until that moment that I realized Squeaky knew my intentions all along. She just wanted me to see it in myself.

I remember different people telling me that a good way to tell if you really loved your pet is if you felt guilt wondering if you "did enough" after it died. That is a clear indication that you really cared and your pet was very lucky to have had a loving owner such as yourself. A good guinea pig owner needs to be responsible, but they don't need to be perfect. We all have our lazy moments, busy times, and make our fair share of mistakes, but what really matters comes from within. If you truly love your pet, it is impossible to mistreat them because the love you have for them will ensure you do your best to take care of them given your situation.

Peanut, Popcorn and Squeaky were very much loved, and are dearly missed. It's been very emotional for me to write this as they have so much of an effect on me.

Thank you Peanut, Popcorn and Squeaky for all your unconditional love and friendship. You will always be fondly remembered and have a special place in my heart.

In Loving Memory Of Popcorn: 2009-2015

JW "Spirituality"

When I was growing up as a JW, I equated spirituality with active involvement within the Watchtower organization. Regular meeting attendance, personal study with the aid of Watchtower literature, and getting a certain amount of hours in service every month were all considered basic expectations of being a "spiritually minded person"."Spiritual goals" often consisted of receiving a certain title in the organization such as "Ministerial Servant" "Regular Pioneer" "Circuit Overseer" or "Missionary". The higher the rank of the title you attained within the organization, the more you were looked up to and respected. A lower rank however was often considered a lack of spirituality and such ones were usually labeled "spiritually weak" or "worldly".

There was no way of being spiritual outside of the organization. Any spiritual practices or experience outside of it were considered worldly or even forbidden. One of such forbidden practices is meditation, which I now consider to be a fundamental aspect of overall well being.

As I got older and began exploring life outside of the organization, I realized that my whole idea of what spirituality was had been skewed. Wikipedia describes spirituality as this;

"Spirituality is a process of personal transformation, either in accordance with traditional religious ideals, or, increasingly, oriented on subjective experience and psychological growth independently of any specific religious context. In a more general sense, it may refer to almost any kind of meaningful activity or blissful experience. There is no single, widely-agreed definition for the concept."

Spirituality can take on many forms and be practiced in many different ways. It is impossible to put an exact definition on it, however spirituality should always be a positive experience in your life. Spirituality should not be pushed on a person by exploiting their fears (e.g. death or losing loved ones). It should also not be used in a way to seek power over others or gain prestige. 

Spirituality is about personal transformation and that is between you and whatever higher power you believe in. To say someone is not spiritual because they are not of the same religion or hold different beliefs, is like saying a person who votes differently than you in an election is a pacifist. They merely chose a different spiritual path. Jehovah's Witnesses are usually unable to grasp this concept due to the inseparable connection they see between their organization and their relationship with God.

Jehovah's Witnesses don't stop there though. They also believe they are the only ones who have a scriptural hope of surviving Armageddon.

"Only Jehovah's Witnesses, those of the anointed remnant and the "great crowd," as a united organization under the protection of the Supreme Organizer, have any Scriptural hope of surviving the impending end of this doomed system dominated by Satan the Devil." Watchtower 1989 Sept 1 p.19

"Similarly, Jehovah is using only one organization today to accomplish his will. To receive everlasting life in the earthly Paradise we must identify that organization and serve God as part of it." Watchtower 1983 Feb 15 p.12

 I will discuss this subject more at a later time, but I think this really shows how Jehovah's Witnesses see themselves as the only ones on the road to salvation.

“People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they're not on your road does not mean they are lost. - Dalai Lama”

My New Year's Resolution

So for the past few days I've been struggling trying to come up with what my second blog post would be about. Should it be about Jehovah's Witnesses? My unusual Christmas? Venting about the challenges of Boxing Day shopping? No matter how hard I tried I couldn't seem to write anything satisfying. Then the other night I came up with an amazing idea. 2015 is just around the corner and I still haven't thought out a New Year's resolution! But what would my New Year's resolution be?

There is so much I would like to accomplish in my life so it was hard to pinpoint only one thing to work on this year. However, it soon became clear what my resolution should be. For quite some time now I have been having difficulties with my health and well being. This upcoming year I have decided to focus on those things. If I want my dreams to come true, then I must start with the basics.

Improving well being can include many things so I can try focusing on a different aspect every month. Who knows how things will be at the end of 2015! One thing I do know however is I have a lot to look forward to!

This year, I will become healthier and happier through the power of love and gratitude. This year I will find myself...

Welcome To My Blog!

Hello everyone! I'm Vanessa (aka Painted Lady, Painted Lady The Apostate or The Amber Butterfly) I'm making this blog to share multiple aspects of my life. Anything from everyday events, my inner thoughts, or my experiences of the Jehovah's Witness will be discussed. I'll pretty much talk about anything here so be ready for a mixed bag!

So to start off, I'm going to tell you a bit about myself. I am currently 18 years old and live in Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada. I grew up in a Jehovah's Witness family and would have been a fourth generation JW if I had been baptized. I began looking into the history of the Watchtower Society when I was 15 and officially stopped going to meetings in April after slowly tying to fade.

I've tried doing this on Youtube, but lets just say I get a bit camera shy... lol. I do have a channel though and made my debut in September after shaving my head! You can find a link to my channel at the end of this post.

 I haven't made a video in quite some time however. Things have been really stressful for me lately. First off my health hasn't been good. I'll talk about that more in the future. My grandma has also been in the hospital and I am in the process of helping her move to a nursing home. It's especially hard because she has dementia. It's heartbreaking to see her so confused... On top of that I have multiple other stresses such as my guinea pig's upcoming surgery and my dog's behavioral issues. It all adds up and it's gotten to the point where I can barely function these days.

My hope is that a blog will be easier for me to keep up than a Youtube channel. I'm not saying I wont make more videos but for now this is a lot less stressful for me.

Here is the link to my Youtube channel

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCtqJ_G3DbwHGHUTe468nvuA